Like many of you, I have been trying to comprehend and understand this terror of statues that is sweeping our Nation. Perhaps it was the impending solar eclipse with all the hype of the Storm of the Century, which happens before every snow storm…or…dusting each winter. The weather reporter staring wide eyed into the camera, breathlessly warning everyone to “Stay tuned to our coverage because by tomorrow morning we could have, stay calm, but its very likely that we are looking at a full….inch and…..a….half…of sheer white terror, that’s real snow accumulation, on your daily commute. Keep it here folks. We will have all the experts covered in brand spankin’ new LL Bean togs here on set to get you through the mayhem.” But the solar eclipse whimpered in and out in much the same way the Storm of the Century usually moves through New England, at least Maine, as just part of the day.

With the solar eclipse being about as eventful as a soap bubble, its safe to say its not the solar eclipse. What has these…..people…..so freaked and frenzied about statues? I’ve been racking my poor little country bumpkin brain and I think I have the answer. I think I know and it is sheer terror.

Now I know I’m not as smart as, well, everybody, but there is moment in time when statues become terrifying. That moment was revealed to all of us deep in our subconscious, dredging up the hidden nightmare. It was the Weeping Angels episode of Dr. Who.

Admit It! Admit it! That episode freaked you out! I did me. How many of you, like me, have walked by a cemetery with those creepy angel statues and out of the corner of your eye; “Did it move? Not possible…I think that that statue moved. I THINK IT MOVED!!!!!!”

So now we have the irrefutable word of a Time Lord, OK, DID YOU HEAR? A! TIME!! LOOOORD!!!! That those statues actually do move. You didn’t know this??? They are space aliens that gain energy by sending you to another time and place. TER…RI…FY…ING STUFF!!!!!

So now we know that the statues are actually aliens who want to drain your life force by sending you into a another time dimension and we have seen David Tennant on video pleading desperately, “Don’t Blink!! Don’t Blink!!” And I don’t! I DO NOT! Anytime I see a statue, Eyes wide open, and never turn my back, we should understand the terror these folks have for statues. I think now is the time for empathy at the very least and maybe a call to action.

It’s very clear to me, and I’m sure you see it too, these statue hating persons watched the first Weeping Angels episode, it has to be the first, the others are scary too but the first one…nasty, the Doctor showed them the truth about statues, and then, worst of all, they probably lost someone, to a Confederate Weeping Angel Soldier statue. Not a Union Soldier statue even though its confusing because they look exactly the same, made in the same mold, but obviously they used WEEPING ANGEL Concrete in the Confederate one.

Can you imagine the terror? You can’t trust the statue. Any statue! Can you imagine George Washington with eyes, the teeth, the tongue, and with very statue-like skin texture and color coming at you to drain your life force? DON’T BLINK!!

I couldn’t understand the hatred for statues but now I do. Its the Weeping Angels! They’ll scare you senseless every time.