They Couldn’t Help Themselves

Like moths to a flame they come, dragged involuntarily to their own destruction.  A little melodramatic, I know, but it seems to be the claim of my latest antagonist on the SV Weekly website.  It seems that my column on Eliot Cutler angered a few former members of the Carter administration… for shame.  I think they may have given me more credit then I deserve.  Mr. Les Francis claimed that he really didn’t want to attack me, but just couldn’t help himself.  Am I to understand that my column has raised such a fuss that even Carter liberals are coming out of hiding drawn by a magnanimous magneto so powerful it pulls them, unwilling, beseeching mercy into the blazing inferno of my conservative combustion?  Wow, that was way over the top, wasn’t it?  I’ll stop that now.

The Conservatives call me Andy Torment.  The Liberals call me the Cobra.  Mr. Francis came up with some other names and even some insults.  First, he said that I live in a cave.  How original!!!  Actually, to tell you the truth, I thought it was common knowledge that all young Conservatives that live in Atkinson have to live in caves.  It’s a rule.  I like mine it’s pretty nifty.  Me and my hot cave girl have made it a home.  We’ve just added running water.  Our cave kids run for it…bonus.  He said I was snarky, which sounds kind of …snarky…to me.  Somehow, I ended up being perverted, which is to be expected, because everyone knows you can’t criticize a Liberal without being perverted.  Mr. Francis forgot to call me racist though, unless of course, he’s leaving that for Jimmy Carter to say.   My favorite was provocateur.  Doesn’t that just roll off the tongue?  Provocateur…wow…say it with a French accent.  It sounds even better.  How about Andy Torment the Provocateur Cobra, or should it be Andy Torment the Cobra Provocateur?  Let me know which is better.  Either at the SV Weekly website or at my website

Humor aside, there is a serious reason that I am responding to Mr. Francis and Mr. Billings.  They insulted my readers.  Mr. Francis of the Carter administration and close friend of Eliot Cutler called the readers of my column, “hormone addled 9th graders.”  Those are his exact words.  This “long time friend and colleague,” of Eliot Cutler needs to know that my readers are made up of the type of people that make this country great and keep Liberal policies from crushing this great nation.  When I have had the honor to speak publicly, I am so humbled to have war veterans shake my hand and thank me for my column.  These are men, Mr. Francis, that have charged into the jaws of death.  Mothers have shaken my hand.  Yes mothers, who have the courage to take on the greatest responsibility of any great civilization, raising and nurturing the next generation.   These sir, are not teenagers confused by raging hormones.  These people, who, yes, read my column, are great Americans and should be treated as such.   Eliot and Cutler and his associates should apologize to my readers.  I demand it.  I don’t think the 9th graders like being used so shamefully either.

Mr. Billings thought it necessary to bring my mother into his argument.  How representative of the cowardice of Liberal Democrats, such as Eliot Cutler and his associates.  If you have an argument with me, fine.  My mother should never even be mentioned…ever…at any time.  Mr. Billings, you sir, are a coward.

Mr. Francis claims he cannot help himself, but he has.  He, Eliot Cutler and all the Democrats have helped themselves to the hard-earned wages and liberties of honest Americans throughout the United States and especially here in Maine.  The environmental bondage Eliot Cutler and his cohorts helped to enact has destroyed business, driven jobs out of Maine and stolen the rights of private land owners, bought and paid for with the blood of our forefathers.

You can read more of my response to Mr. Cutler’s friends at  Type the word “mess” into the search bar and the column will come up from the archives.  We are in a Conservative revolution and having a blast.

3 comments on “They Couldn’t Help Themselves

  1. With respect to the headline of your most recent column appearing in the August 5th edition of the Sebasticook Valley Weekly, hooks and traps are “baited”, breath is “bated”. Spell check has its limitations.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s