It must be pure coincidence.  In the face of collaborative evidence and impeccable timing, one simply has to toss out the obvious common sense conclusions and cling doggedly to figment of someone’s imagination.  The Age of Stupification has come.  The Obvious must fade into the shadows.

First, this columnist must retract a statement from last week’s column.  No, not that one, although, my wife wishes I would.  What?!!  It is their symbol.  It is the Biblical name of a donkey.  A spade…is…a spade…correct?

Actually, this columnist has learned after further research, a term abhorrent to the New York Times, that the audit is not a Statewide audit but simply the Areas north of Bangor.  No, no, please don’t think those negative thoughts.  Sue Mackey Andrews and the Party she endorses would be the first to tell you that the fact that the Democratic Party is auditing businesses in Republican districts right before an election is pure happenstance. So, now with common sense completely cast aside, we can completely embrace the idea put forward by the party of Sue Mackey Andrews, Eliot Cutler, and Libby Mitchell that the best way to encourage business growth in these rural areas, Republican controlled, by the way, is to audit the books of these businesses in hopes of finding some miscue or misdemeanor that can be penalized. It will be heartwarming; I’m sure, to see business owners, formally Republican donors, running in to the arms of Sue Mackey Andrews gleefully thanking her Democratic Party for one more fine levied against their business…because…nothing screams growth and stability like an audit.  This whole scenario has more drama and emotion than a chick flick… moving on.

As my readers can attest, this columnists struggles to overcome his timid nature.  So, after spending the allotted time given to all Republicans by Democrats to cower in a shadowy corner (if you believe that I’ve got a whole pile of stuff I can sell you), I decided to do some research on this audit.  One business man tells me that his auditor explained that one of the reasons for targeting the North, Republican leaning, by the way, was to “clean out” some businesses up here.  Apparently, we are overrun with too many businesses here in the very Conservative Republican North-Central regions of Maine.    Who knew?!  The last thing we want is businesses cluttering the landscape.  Who knows what vile deeds they may perform?  They may even employ somebody?  My goodness, they might even prosper if we left them alone.  On the small chance these businesses might not see the job-killing policies of Sue Mackey Andrews’ Party in a positive light and donate funds to a Republican Candidate, let’s fine them.

There is a phenomenon sweeping these North-Central areas.  Confused by the rules of Augusta and Washington, businesses in our area are letting their employees go in the face of stiff fines that will shut their doors.  So, now these Republican strongholds are seeing a sharp spike in the unemployment rate.  Don’t, don’t’ think those negative thoughts about the Democrats.  Sue Mackey Andrews will be the first to tell you that a Mainers living on a private sector paycheck would be much better served waiting for a government unemployment check.

Now for the rules, yes, the rules.  If you are an Independent Contractor you must fit the criteria.  That is the main thrust of this audit; in fact, an auditor stated that the State of Maine wants all of “Its businesses” to be on “the same page.”  ( Don’t you love that, we belong to the State now, don’t you feel all “wuuvvy” all over.)  Interestingly enough, the agencies all have a different set of rules to “enforce” on Maine businesses.  Even if a businessman or woman complies with the Federal and State revenue service for Independent Contractor status, the Maine unemployment agency has different criteria and can unilaterally fine a business on its own whim.  These rules are subject to interpretation by the State.  What a surprise!  Maybe Sue Mackey Andrews would like to explain to the people in this area, who are underneath the auditors gun from her Democratic Party, why Maine businesses all have to be on the same page, yet, her party, which has been in power for 35 years, can’t get on the same page with itself.